Grey Thursday?

Please, please, please do not go shopping tommorrow! No matter what they offer you, don't feed the plants! That's right. The Audrey II's of the economic world that are going to be open on Thanksgiving are here to eat Detroit! And, Cleveland! And, where you live!

It started out innocently enough. It was just drop or two of blood in the form of a pretty darn good sale the day after Thanksgiving. But then, it grew! Next thing yoou knew, you were getting up at 3 A.M.! Then, you didn't even go to bed last year, did you? Just waited until midnight, and got that really early start. Now? Now? Where will it end? Easter?

You've still got almost an entire month! Is buying gifts for Christmas to give to your loved ones more important than, ya know, spending time with them? Even if you are motivated to be out on Thanksgiving by an unrelentingly disfunctional family, why are you going to make soemone else miss their Thanksgiving, so they can ring up your. Just say no. WalMart will get the point, Mr. and Mrs. Target won't starve in the winter time, and K-Mart should have died ten years ago, anyway, so who gives a crap about them.

Be good little boys and girls and go see your family.

My Top 13 Movie Trilogies

This is my list of favorite movie trilogies of all time. I decided to do a top 13 list, instead of a top 10 because I'm goofy like that. Although some of these trilogies went on to have more than three movies in their canon, I still consider them trilogies because, for the most part, that's what they originally were intended to be.

13. Toy Story

The first fully computer animated movie. I was in nerdvana when this came out. Computer generated graphics had been a hobby of mine for a while so, not only was I blown away by the story line (which was very well put together) but the computer animation was amazing, also. My favorite effect? The scene in Sid's room, when it was raining outside, and they showed the shadow cast by the rain that was running down the window. Just, wow. Great music, great story, and never before seen effects. Unfortunately, it went downhill quickly with a so-so sequel, and a horrible third installment. Well, not horrible on it's own, but compared to the first? Yea, the third one didn't need to happen. We got it already. Friendship blah blah blah...

12. Mad Max

Surprisingly, this one gets better as it goes. It's starts in a dystopian future. Max is a cop, or something similar. His family is killed and he gets revenge. Meh. It was ok, and had it's moments. Like when he hand cuffed a guy to a car leaking gas that was creeping toward an open flame. Max gives the guy a hacksaw and told him he'd have a better chance cutting through his own wrist rather than trying to cut the cuffs. Max walks away with the typical something-is-exploding-behind-me-but-I'm-to-bad-ass-to-even-look swagger. The second movie totally jumped the shark into a post-apocalyptic word, but it was paced way better, had better villains and action scenes, and an emotionally satisfying surprise ending. Beyond Thunderdome had more of the same, but did a great job of continuing Max's story. Sometimes, ignoring your own rules just works.

11. Austin Powers

Just good, stupid fun. Ludicrous premise that just gets sillier as the movies progress. Thank goodness Mike Meyers didn't decide to make a third Wayne's World, instead. I mean, I liked those movies, but seriously, two was plenty. What kind of sick mind comes up with this kind of stuff, anyway? Mini-me? Fat Bastard? What kind of childhood trauma do you have to undergo to think of this stuff? Mike Myers is the Shakespeare of adolescent humor.

10. Vacation

Easily one of Chevy Chase's best movies. Who can watch this and not recognize a little bit of their own family's trips from when they were young? A well meaning father, that just can't seem to get it right, slowly descends into a comedy of errors, dragging his family along for the ride. Literally, in the case of that poor dog. It's technically not a trilogy anymore, but I consider it one because the first three all came out in the 80's, and actually was a trilogy for a long time. Anthony Michael Hall played Rusty in the first one, but was filming Weird Science when the second one came around, so they decided to re-cast both children. This carried through all three films in the original trilogy, each one having different actors playing the children. This confused me as a child. I couldn't figure out how the same kids could look so different from movie to movie.

9. Alien

I am a huge Sci-fi fan, as you will soon see as you go through this list. Alien was different than anything that I had seen before. It had a strong female lead in an action flick, which didn't happen very often then. They created an entirely new biology based off of Giger's Necronom IV. The Face Huggers were the creepiest damn things I had ever seen. The damn things needed a host to gestate, bursting from them and very quickly growing into a super lethal alien. As if that wasn't enough, they have acid for blood. Of course. Thank you very much, nature. You're a real bitch.

8. Terminator 

If you're not a technophobe yet, these movies might make you one. Arnold Schwarzenegger is a robot from the future, wrapped in flesh and looking human, but in fact a lethal killing machine. He won't stop until he's completed his mission to kill a certain Sarah Connor, supposed mother of the future leader of the rebellion against the machines. Kyle Reese, sent to protect Sarah, wind up fathering that same leader. Time travel is weird. Best not to think about it to much. They destroy that robot, but not completely. Some left over pieces lead to the discovery of the technology that eventually creates the machine that take over. See, I told you not to think about it to much. They really are good movies. Something real to think about is the coming Technological Singularity.

7. Matrix

More computer domination! Another series of movies set in a dystopian future. That seems to be a real theme in Sci-fi movies. Humankind is unaware of being imprisoned to power the machines by being placed in a virtual reality simulation. So real that most live their entire lives without realizing that they're being used as a giant battery, and sitting in a pod filled with pink slimy stuff. I know a lot of people think the Wachowski brothers had a great idea for one movie, and then made three. I'm going out on a limb here. I liked all of them. I don't see what everybody is complaining about in the second and third movies.

6. Evil Dead

Groovy! Ever have one of those days where you have to decapitate your possessed dead girlfriend? Yeah, me neither, but this guy has. This cult classic features Ash, a college student that travels to a cabin in the woods with some of his friends. They accidentally release an evil spirit into the woods, and hilarity and horror ensue. The last movie, Army of Darkness, has Ash traveling to the past and fighting off an army of the undead. Chainsaw wielding Ash is played by "The Chin", Bruce Campbell. Campbell carries these movies. His mannerisms and diction perfectly compliment the goofy horror. Oh, and that chin...

5. Indiana Jones

Part history, part fairy tale. Indiana Jones is an archeology professor that has a taste for adventure, traveling around the world to find hidden archeological treasures. In the first movie, he discovers The Arc of the Covenant, and it melts a bunch of Nazi's faces off when they open it. In the second, he retrieves the Sankara Stones from a heart stealing Mola Ram, and later send the high priest to his death far below. In the third, he is reunited with his long lost father, and saves him with water from the Holy Grail. I know there was a forth movie, but I don't like to talk about that one. I wanted to be him as a kid, traveling to far off lands, avoiding death at every turn, and always getting the woman. It just seemed like so much more fun than being a secret agent, like James Bond. People are still trying to kill you, but you get to be clever and solve puzzles.

4. Pirates of the Caribbean

The only successful movie franchise, that I know of, based off of an amusement park ride. Adventure on the high seas wit a bit of mysticism mixed in for good measure! Pirates and politics combine in a magnificent way. Deals are made and broken, and then made again. Johnny Depp runs away in his role of Jack Sparrow, pirate extraordinaire! This series wouldn't have been near the success it was without Depp. He tapped into the pirate meme so effectively, that fans of pirates everywhere made him their idol. Halloween stores started selling the "Gay Pirate" costume. One of my favorite scenes is the three-way sword fight in the run away water wheel. The back and forth between them was inspired, and I have only seen a few scenes in my life that amused as much

3. Lord of the Rings

J.R Tolkien's Middle Earth finally brought to life in all of its wonder. This movie needed to be made, and Peter Jackson did an excellent job bringing it to life. All who worked on this movie did it justice. How did they pack so much into three movies? The few parts they actually cut out from the original story wouldn't even be missed if you had never read the books. The attention to detail, from Shire to Mount Doom, was amazing. They had people involved with the production that truly cared about Middle Earth and all of its inhabitants, and it shows in the set design, special effect, performances, and beautifully crafted script. It gave you a true impression of what it might have actually been like to visit that land.

2. Star Wars

Who hasn't heard of Star Wars? These movies capture the imagination of millions, young and old alike. Darth Vader, and the evil Emperor, rule the universe with an iron fist. Luke, a lowly moisture farmer, comes of age as he discovers his family been murdered. He finally goes of to fight the Empire as he has wanted, and winds up not only saving a galactic princess, but the universe as well. Along the way he makes many friends and masters the Force, a mystical power that pervades every thing in the universe. These movies were created at the perfect time for them to take of like wildfire. Special effects and filming quality had progressed to the point of making it possible. People were ready for a great Sci-fi movie. And, George Lucas had the right idea to capitalize on it. Regardless of what he has done with the franchise since, at least he started it. And for that, I am thankful.

1. Back to the Future

My absolute favorite trilogy of all time. Irrepressible Marty Mcfly and crazy inventor Doc Brown adventure across time, screwing up their own time lines, and having to make corrections before it's to late. The first, and probably only, movies that deal with time travel in a manner that doesn't drive me nuts. I mean, sure there are some contradictions and invented conventions, but the story makes it work so well, that they don't seem as drastic as in other movies. They are clever about the little details. Such as the Twin Pines Mall becomes the Lone Pine Mall when Marty returns to the present, having destroyed one of the pines in the past. Lots of great plot twists and an interesting, compelling story with characters you really do care about. Oh, how I wish they would reboot this series!

Great Scott! That's it. Now, get out here and see those movies!

Nothing Ventured

I have never eaten at Red Lobster. I've always kind of wanted to but, for some reason, I never made it. I consider myself to be a fairly adventurous person when it comes to eating out, too. I've tried Thai, Sushi, Indian, Chinese, Ethiopian, Cuban, and even Vietnamese restaurants. I've been to every other large chain restaurant anywhere near me that I can think of. I'm even a fan of most seafood. I really don't know why I haven't been.

There is a lot of stuff I've never done, though. I've been water skiing, but never on a a jet ski. I've been to Chicago, Houston, and Toledo but not L.A, or New York. I've been sledding and ice skating but not downhill skiing. I've jumped off of a bridge, but not out of an airplane. Although, I have flown one.

Everyone can't do everything, though, and I'm not upset I haven't done these things. I mean, I still want to, but if it doesn't happen, then, oh well. Maybe I'll get around to it. Maybe I won't. If I let myself get upset about all the things I haven't done then I would probably always be upset all of the time. I would be unable to appreciate the things I have done.

I've always been fairly independent. Not to the point that I don't like other people being around, but usually I do prefer to be left alone to my own thoughts. I have always been very self reliant and it bothers me when people can't preform simple tasks that they should be able to. This really bothers me when the responsibilities of others affect me to the point that I have to just do whatever it is for the other person. Even worse is when a person convinces themselves that they can't do something, coming up with every excuse, lying to them selves about their own abilities, when they are completely capable of accomplishing so much.

Everyone has something that keeps them from doing something that they want to do. I try not to let those things stop me by trying to be honest with myself, which isn't always easy.

I guess that's all I have for today. See you tomorrow!

50 Years of Doctor Who

I have been a fan of Dr. Who since the late 1970's. I was probably 7 or eight when I saw my first episode. I still remember which one it was, Underworld, a classic Tom Baker episode. I was still to young to get some of it, but in this episode the beginning of a planetoid was forming around a spaceship. I remember that fascinating me. Before I saw this I had been a big Buck Rogers and Star Trek fan, and this show was right up my alley.

We had a VCR at the time, and my father had recorded an episode or two. After watching those, We discovered that Dr. Who was airing late on Sunday nights on our local PBS station. I don't remember if our parents technically let us stay up past midnight to watch, but I remember doing it anyway. I even still remember the line up. First was Monty Python's Flying Circus, which was another great show from my childhood that I think helped define my sense of humor. As silly as they could be, there was a certain intelligence about that show. After that came Dave Allen at Large. I didn't care for that show. To this day, I still don't know who that guy was. He did tell a decent story, though. I did laugh at him once or twice.

Then, around 11:30, Dr.Who, would come on and my brother and I would be mesmerized. Occasionally, we fell asleep while watching it. But, for the most part, we saw many of those episodes long into our teen years. I watched it faithfully, even after it had been cancelled. We didn't get the episodes in America until the BBC was good and ready to let us see them, which was at least a year or so. Eventually, the PBS channel even stopped airing them, and like everyone else, I mourned the passing of an era.

But, miraculously, Dr. Who wasn't gone. It was as if he was jumping through time, not quite as consistent as before, but still there in the background. He lived on in books and audio dramas. He popped out once in an American made movie, hoping to revive the series here. But that never happened.

I wanted that to happen but, in hindsight, I 'm glad it didn't. the timing wasn't quite right. An American version of Dr. Who would have been, well, just different. Luckily, nearly a decade later, the show was revived in it's rightful form, as a weekly BBC drama. When I was I kid, Dr. Who was something only nerds and geeks watched. Not only did the new series respect the history of the show, it came at a time that was more accepting of it's premise. The world had came to appreciate the nerds and the geeks. They threw in a couple of younger, sexier Doctors to appeal to a wider audience, and they had a hit on their hands.

But, I'm not here to give a detailed account of the shows history. On the 50th anniversary of this show, I simply want to thank everyone involved for being a part of it. It has been a source of enjoyment and inspiration to me. It has influenced who I am to a certain extent. It made me think about what I believed was right and moral. It showed me that the easy way wasn't always the best way, and it made me appreciate being intelligent when I was at an age that it wasn't always appreciated.

Here's to fifty more years. I can only hope that I'm around to see it.

Dada Tada!

Recently, I asked a few friends to give me a couple of phrases. I needed them because I wanted to try an experiment. There is a word game, created in the 1920's by Surrealists, called Exquisite Corpse. This game takes many forms, but is sometimes like a game of Mad Libs, where participants, uninformed, contribute to a story or phrase in some manner. I told my friends that I wanted two-word phrases of the form adjective-noun or adverb-verb. Well, they obliged and this is the result.

Oh, and incidentally, I had intended this to be a funny story, but it took a decided turn into the dark side. I don't know if that says something about my friends, myself or both.

The End of the Road

Jack had been in control the whole time, happily slaughtering any who suited his fancy. It wasn't until too late that I realized how many people he was willing to sacrifice. As I was slowly running away from the horrors that I had left behind me, I couldn't help thinking about Sammy...

My son had died, years ago, and I had never gotten over watching Sammy slowly die in my arms, unable to save him. We were fishing down by Old Cottage Road. There was a bridge over Branson Creek where the fishing had been particularly good that summer. Me and Sammy had spent many hours there, not really caring if we caught anything, uncontrollably laughing at our own stupid jokes. It had been a good summer.

The rusty old VW Bus came out of nowhere. Frantically swerving in a manner that it's decrepit exterior suggested would be impossible. My son had tried to run, but his legs were too small, too young, to carry him to safety. I was too far away to do anything more then scream incoherently. It was over before I knew it, the old Bus hitting him with a sickening thud, his helicopter beanie flying off as if it's propeller had suddenly come to life, trying to carry him from his doom, but forgetting it's precious cargo behind. It fell at my feet menacingly twirling.

My reaction, as the Bus sped away, was one of disbelief. How could that funny old yellow Bus have committed such an atrocity? It seemed harmless. It even had a "Honk if you like the nuclear bomb!" bumper sticker on the back, probably sarcastically placed there many years ago by a peace-loving hippie who may or may not have been stoned out of his mind.

I ran to Sammy's limp body and scooped him up into my arms. I thought this only happened to other people, never me. Nobody even used Old Cottage Road anymore, except for a few locals that new how good the fishing was down there. I held Sammy close, feeling his warm breath on my neck, as he whispered, "...love...you...daddy..." Then he died, exhaling what little breath he had left as his head rolled into my chest, as if he were just snuggling up for a nap, like some sort of cuddly zombie.

That was a long time ago. I had been slowly falling into a downward spiral since then. Drinking had gone from an occasional sip or two, and slid gracefully into a bad habit. From there it accelerated, as I poured all of my misery into a bottle. It was something you could have called more of a profession. Many people thought I had gone crazy. Besides the drinking, I had made it my only purpose to find the man who had killed Sammy.

I sat quietly in my hiding spot behind the dumpster. This had been my only lead in three months. I had heard, as I lay in a stupor in the gutter wishing I would instantly die, some bum talking about a yellow VW Bus down by the old burnt-out warehouse . He was planning on breaking into it the next time he saw it. I quickly haggled with him to leave the bus to me. It had cost me my last half bottle of whiskey, but that didn't matter,. I didn't plan on living through the night. I ran off, deliriously laughing.

I am close to giving up when the Bus finally arrives. That was it, all right. The same bumper sticker was on the back. A man steps out and quickly enters the warehouse carrying a large, heavy bundle. I followed, but I must have still been a little drunk. My head was spinning and I stumbled in, making a loud crash, and alerted the man to my presence.

We stared at each other for a moment. As I glanced down, I saw what the man had been carrying. It was full of tiny mannequin parts, like pieces of some evil toddler. Looking back up at the man, I see he had been here working here for quite a while, creating horrific scenes out of whatever he could find, too gruesome to describe, but one of them I almost recognize.

Fiddling with his creepy mustache, he finally speaks, "So how do you like my work, I have been at it for a long time!", and pointing at the scene I thought I recognized, "This one I call 'Jack's Flight! Perhaps you know it?'"

I realized I had seen it before. Through the odd mix of old machine parts and twisted wire, I recognized Sammy face. He had recreated my son's murder in macabre detail. I almost appreciate it's beauty before a nuclear bomb goes off in my head. I don't remember what happened after that until I realize I'm running away, blood on my hands, and thinking of my son.

And the phrases were...

creepy mustache
cuddly zombie
deliriously laughing
evil toddler
finally arrives
happily slaughtering
helicopter beanie
instantly die

many people
menacingly twirling

my reaction
nuclear bomb
nuclear bomb (yes, twice)
other people
slowly die
slowly running
slowly falling
uncontrollably laughing

Airplane Ashtrays

I, like a lot of people, am into YouTube. I even, occasionally, post my own crudely made videos. But, let's be clear here, I am not bragging. I know they aren't the greatest, but I am learning, and hope that one day they'll be tolerable. Well, maybe not tolerable, but just mildly annoying.

Not only do I watch stuff on YouTube to see how other people do it and learn from them, but for entertainment also. I was watching a video from YouTube star, Shaycarl, where he talks about putting quarters in airplane bathroom ashtrays, which I thought was kind of a cool idea. But, it got me thinking, "what the hell?" It has been a loooong time since they outlawed smoking on planes. They even put a big "no smoking" symbol on the ashtray. What engineer would design an airplane bathroom like that? Was it some guy that had, himself, quit smoking, and was trying to torture other smokers out of some misplaced vendetta? Or, was it some crazy outdated law that required it?

This is a direct quote from the Code of Federal Regulations concerning these ashtrays:

Regardless of whether smoking is allowed in any other part of the airplane, lavatories must have self-contained, removable ashtrays located conspicuously on or near the entry side of each lavatory door, except that one ashtray may serve more than one lavatory door if the ashtray can be seen readily from the cabin side of each lavatory served.

It turns out that there is a very good reason for the ashtrays. People are selfish a-holes that just can't wait until they get on the ground to have that next coffin nail. The reason they have those ashtrays in the bathrooms is because of crashes like Varig flight 820 which killed 123 people, and CAAC Flight 2311, which landed safely, but due to a fire caused by an improperly extinguished cigarette killed 25 people before it could.

But, I try not to judge so maybe those people aren't a-holes. They're careless. They're reckless. They're stupid. But all of us have been at one point or another. Perhaps they don't realize the danger. I didn't before researching bit. Perhaps, and I'm just guessing here, this has happened millions of times and rarely causes an accident, and is technically fairly safe. But just because something rarely happens doesn't mean you don't have to account for it, especially when there are lives on the line. People play the lottery all the time. Even though it is practically impossible for an individual to win, a group of people all playing multiple numbers makes it more and more likely as the group grows. I think this is the main reason for the ashtrays, because this does seem ridiculous. But, really, it probably does happen a lot. 

 I came across a response someone made to this post on Gizmodo, discussing the need for ashtrays on airplanes. It caught my eye because it sounded like they knew what they were talking about, even though this is some random stranger on the Internet. Here are some of the things he had to say: 

I've always found this hilarious, on the plane I fly if that ashtray is missing the plane is grounded. We can fly sans landing gear doors, pressurization system, autopilot, radar, TCAS, transponders, hell pretty much anything on the plane can be broken and deferred (or speed taped back on) and it's still flyable, but if that ashtray on the lav goes missing you're screwed.

The ashtray, it's just one of those weird things we have no way to defer. If you ink it up since there isn't a deferral it grounds the plane till it's fixed. Since the ash tray is outside the lav, on the outside door, the Lav MEL doesn't apply (we used to do that, the FAA got mad) thus if that tray goes missing your day is done if you're at an outstation.

This guy, who seems like a pilot, even thinks it is a little silly. If you're wondering what he meant by MEL, it stands for Minimum Equipment List. Basically, it lets a plane take off with out being completely in line with federal regulations by being reasonable about things. From Wikipedia:

The philosophy behind MEL is to authorize release of flight with inoperative equipment only when the inoperative equipment does not render the aircraft unairworthy for the particular flight to avoid revenue loss to the operator & discomfort to the passengers.

Limitations, procedures and substitutions may be used to provide conditions under which the inoperative equipment will not make the operation unsafe or the aircraft unairworthy. This is not a philosophy which permits reduced safety in order to fly to a base where repairs can be made, but rather a philosophy which permits safe operations for a take off from a maintenance base or en-route stop. 

The Code of Federal Regulations explicitly forbids the ashtray from being missing. There is even system of exceptions set up which it technically could fall under. And let's be honest, there is a reasonable limit to being safe. So, yeah, make sure you have the ashtray, but if its missing should that really stop a flight from taking off? Probably not.

But the FAA grounds planes because of this even though the federal regulation makes it likely that an ashtray would go missing by requiring it to be removable. For some reason, that ashtray is absolutely necessary to fly, like the laws of aerodynamics depended on it and it is likely that you would inexplicably fall out of the air without it at the worst possible moment. And, that is the weird part.

Thirty Stupid Jokes

Thirty of the stupidest smart jokes the internet has to offer.

1. Yo’ momma so dumb she thought ammonia was a country.

2. Math is the only place someone can buy 60 watermelons and no one wonders why.

3. Have you heard about the constipated mathematician? He had to work it out with a pencil. What kind of pencil? A #2 pencil.

4. An ion walks into a bar looking really depressed and the barman asks, “why do you look so sad?” The ion says, “I’ve lost an electron!” The barman asks, “are you sure?” To which the ion replies, “I’m positive!”

5. Yo’ momma so dumb that she tried to minimize a 12 variable function to a minimal sum of products expression using a Karnaugh map instead of the Quine-McCluskey Algorithm.

6. Two scientists walk into a bar. The first one says “I’ll have some H2O.” The second one says, “I’ll have some H2O too.” and then he dies.

7. What do you get when you cross a mosquito with a mountain climber? Nothing, you can’t cross a vector with a scaler.

8. A mushroom asked out a carrot on a date. She said, “no.” To which the mushroom replied, "come on, I'm a fungi.”

9. Two bytes are in a bar. One says to the other, "I'm not feeling that well. I think I have a parity error". The other byte responds, "I thought you looked a bit off!"

10. Where does bad light end up? In a prism.

11. A neutron walks into a bar. He asks the bartender, "How much for a beer?" The bartender looks at him and says, "for you, it's no charge."

12. What does the little mermaid wear? An Algebra!

13. A Higgs Boson walks into a church, and the priest yells “get out!” The Boson replies “but you can't have mass without me.”

14. Why did the chicken cross the Mobius strip? To get to the same side.

15. A neutrino walks into a bar. The bartender says we don't serve your kind here. The neutrino says “oh, I'm just passing through.”

16. What do you get if you cross a Barium with two Sodiums? A BaNaNa!

17. A Roman soldier walks into a bar, holds up two fingers, and says, "five beers, please."

18. The bartender says, "we don't serve faster than light particles in here." A tachyon walks into a bar.

19. What does the “B” in Benoit B. Mandelbrot stand for? Benoit B. Mandelbrot.

20. An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar. The first one orders a beer, the second one orders half a beer, the third one orders a quarter of a beer. The bartender says, “you don't know your limits,” and pours two beers.

21. A logician's wife is having a baby. The doctor immediately hands the newborn to the dad. The wife says, "Is it a boy or a girl?" The logician says, "yes."

22. Helium walks into a bar. The bartender says, "we don't serve your kind here." Helium doesn't react.

23. A photon walks into a hotel and the clerk asks him, "do you have any luggage?" The photon replies, "no, I'm travelling light.

24. A student recognizes Einstein on a train and asks, “excuse me, but does New York stop by this train?”

25. Math problems? Call 1-800-[(10x)(13i)^2]-[sin(xy)/2.362x]

26. Rene Descartes is sitting in a bar, having a drink. The bartender asks him if he would like another. "I think not," he says, and vanishes in a puff of logic.

27. When I heard that Oxyagen and Magnesium had hooked up, I was, like, OMg!

28. Heisenberg and Schrodinger are on a road trip, when a cop pulls them over. The officer walks up and asks if they know how fast they’re going. Heisenberg replies “well, not anymore.” The cop thinks that’s weird so he begins to search the vehicle. He opens the trunk and asks, “did you know you’ve got a dead cat in the trunk?” Schrodinger says, “we do now!”

29. Why can't atoms be trusted? They make up everything!

30. A group of logicians go into a bar. The bartender asks, “so, does everyone want a beer?” The first logician says, “I don’t know.” Then the second says, “I don’t know." This continues until the bartender asks the last logician who says, “yes, of course."

Webcomics and Poppycock

It's been a little over a week now, and I'm still going! A full week of consistent blog posts is nothing to sneeze at. A kleenex is something to sneeze at. You see, I have a history of taking on creative projects occasionally, and then dropping them after a while. I'm not ashamed of this, though. I usually pick pretty big projects.

I think the first public project I started was a webcomic, Prof. Paradox. I would show you an old comic but, unfortunately, they are locked away inside a defunct hard drive, and I do not have the money it would take to retrieve it. Share my posts people! I have children to feed. Perhaps that is for the best, however. It was just more of the same silliness you see here.

I worked for a sign company many years ago, where I was first introduced to a vector based drawing program. It was like Adobe Illustrator, but a much younger and cruder version. Several years after, I was sitting at home thinking how much I used to like that job and working with that program. I was wishing that I had an excuse to use to learn whatever vector program was out at the time. Soon after that, I was reading the Sunday Comics thinking how horrible they had gotten. At the time, I was staying at home with my kids while my wife worked because it had become to expensive for us to both be working and paying for babysitting. I had the time and I had the motivation. I started a webcomic.

While I was doing the comic, I joined an online webcomic community. I'll bet you didn't even know those existed. One crazy guy thinking someone wants to read his nonsense is understandable, but a whole community of them? Poppycock! Well, this community went belly up pretty quickly, so, again, I had the time and motivation. I decided to start my own community along with some of the other members from the old one. I ran that site for three years, and made about one hundred Prof. Paradox comics. The community I created, Transplant Comics, was my most successful project on the internet ever and I shouldn't have let it go. But, I was burnt out. It was too much effort for to little return. I handed over the reigns to one of the other members. They ran it for a while but eventually let the domain name expire and that site is now gone, probably forever.

Recently, my son and I made a bet to see who could get more views and subscribers on YouTube. I still had the motivation for a project like this, but I no longer had the time. I was working full time, my daughter was involved in sports and had a crazy schedule, and I was going to school carrying anywhere from six to twelve hours per semester. I took the bet anyway. I wanted to learn about how to create something that I never had before, so I took him on. I quickly surpassed him and he quickly lost interest. I eventually stopped making videos because they were a lot of work and my son wasn't even trying. I couldn't maintain everything I was doing so I let it go.

Now, I have started this blog. I intend for it to be a daily outlet for me, a public diary of sorts. I had promised, originally, to make a 300+ word post everyday, but this does not encompass everything that I want to do. So, I am modifying my original goal. Starting today, I will either make 300+ word post, or post some other work of some significance and effort. I like to draw and tinker and make videos and cook and so many other things. This will allow me to follow these interest while still maintaining this blog.

Thanks for reading everyone! I WILL talk to you tomorrow!

It's Only Logical

I am currently taking a class on Discrete Mathematics. It focuses on concepts that primarily apply to computer programming, which is a subject I have been interested in since I was a preteen. I know that's sick, but it's just who I am. Topics in Discrete Mathematics include determining if a solution to a problem exists (if there's no gas, the car won't start), counting combinations of things (like the chances you would win the lottery), and optimizing processes (doing the least amount of work possible). It's kind of the other side of Calculus. I won't bore you with the details, they're not important to this story.

In this class, I was assigned a group project. My group had about an hour to discuss the project in class, together. We agreed on what we thought the answer to the problem presented in the project was. We assigned responsibilities to each member, and parted ways.

I was super excited about this project. It dealt with a subject that I thought was very cool, logical gates. So excited, in fact, that I decided to go above and beyond. I decided to build a physical representation of the circuits that the logical gates formed. Logical gates were cool, but this gave me an excuse to build a basic kinetic sculpture, which is another subject I was interested in. No one asked me to. It wasn't going to improve the group's grade by much. But, I wanted to build it.

One person in my group was supposed to analyze our solution and make sure it was correct. When he was done, I took that solution and based my mechanical circuit on it. I was so anxious to get started on building it that I ignored the little voice in my head that told me to check the work.

Always, always, always double check the solution to a problem before committing a large amount of resources in implementing it.

I spent, at least, twenty hours on that mechanical circuit before I realized that it was wrong. I tried, for a bit, to fix it. I tried to salvage some of the work that I had done. But the wind had been knocked out of my sails. I couldn't finish it in time, and I had wasted an entire weekend.

I.

Was.

Done.

This is why I have always hated group projects. I have been burned to many times to trust my grades on someone else's work. 

"My" is a Pronoun That Acts Like an Adjective

We all act differently in different situations. The way I am with my family and friends is obviously different than how I act with strangers. I don't know these strangers. I don't know what their backgrounds are, what they want, what their ethics are, if they like pudding, or a million other things. The way we act with everyone in our lives is based on our experiences with them.

In order to function in society, we have to be able to interact with other people. That's kind of the definition of being social. This includes strangers whether we like it or not. Some of us are adept at these interactions, charismatic, extroverted. Some of us are not. Most of these interactions are mundane. The chit chat with the cashier at the grocery store. Avoiding walking into someone as they pass you on the sidewalk. Having to sit next to a stranger in the doctors office when there aren't any other seats with open chairs next to them. These are all examples of acceptable, and common, behaviors.

But sometimes we don't know how to act. Sometimes we are exposed to unfamiliar situations, and the unknown can be scary. We have only our past experiences, fear of the unknown, and predispositions to help guide our feelings and actions.

The opinions and attitudes I express, the way I act, is different when with people of different ages, genders, races, and sexual orientations. For a long time I struggled to justify this in my head because I knew I should accept and treat everyone equally and not make judgments or change my behavior with people based on these qualities. More than that, it just felt wrong to treat them differently. We are all people. We are all complicated. We are all just trying to figure it all out.

So how can I feel this way and still call my self a moral and open minded person? I eventually realized that the way to change my feelings was to educate and expose myself to things I didn't understand. And, while I may never completely understand some of them, I could at least achieve a level of comfort with them through experience with them.

But, I also could not know or be experienced with everything, or comfortable with everybody, and that was O.K. as long as I remained open minded.

And, as long as there was pudding. I like pudding.

Infinite Improbability

Dogs and cats get along. one to one against.

Dr. Who 100th anniversary. Three to one against.

California lost to the sea due to an earthquake. Nine to one against.

Lady Gaga stops imitating Madonna. 2^17 to one against.

Tea replaces coffee in America as favorite caffeinated beverage. 2^68 to one against.

A sequel of Back to the Future, with Christopher Lloyd reprising his role as Doc Brown, Michael J. Fox in a short cameo as Marty, Channing Tatum and Taylor Lautner as Jules and Verne Brown with the plot revolving around these two, is due to be released on November 5th, 2015. 2^89 to one against.

Derrick Rose plays a full season for the Bulls. 2^125 to one against.

Falling through a freak wormhole that spontaneously appears in your bathroom as you prepare to take a nice soak, leaving you stranded and naked in 16th century France. 2^174 to one against.

Dr. Oz renounces Western medicine and embraces Pastafarianism, claiming that all of your ailments will be alleviated by his noodly goodness. 2^658 to one against.

Honey Boo Boo is Miss America 2025. 2^1,658 to one against.

Obamacare. 2^9753 to one against.

Ununpentium is renamed Chrischristienum, due to a clerical error in the Department of Weights and Measures. 2^44,577 to one against.

George R. R Martin finishes Games of Thrones before he dies. 2^67,883 to one against.

Women understand men. 2^75,848 to one against.

Men understand women. 2^3,448,686 to one against.

Dadaism is proclaimed the elephant of highness in total verisimilitude, quarterly accountant to bishop Tinag-Tang Paswe, Ambassador of Marshmallow Dreams. 2^700,000,329 to one against.

Jon Stewart likes a Chicago deep dish pizza. 2^454,785,145,175

The new Star Wars movie will be good. Infinity to one against.

Paper Clips

Have you ever played that game with the paper clip? The game where you  come up with as many different uses for a paperclip as you can. Some people may not even call it a game, but it meets every definition of a game that I can think of. It has rules and you can do it for enjoyment. What else do you need? Sometimes it's a brick that you use, but it's the same thing. Sometimes, I use it as a creative warm-up, as I grease the gears and spout clouds of black smoke out of my ears.

Originally it was intended to be a test of creativity, and perhaps it is a decent indicator for creativity. But, it's always seemed a like an intelligence test to me. The standardized tests they give for intelligence are supposed to measure you mental capabilities. Also, a lot of people think your IQ doesn't change over time. I've always had a problem with those ideas. A person can certainly acquire skills and learn, but will that make them smarter? Not only that, but there are nine recognized types of intelligence. Nine! How could one test measure the complexity of that?

Consider teaching two children, Andy and Bobby. Andy and Bobby are buddies and get along pretty well. You start teaching them addition and Andy picks it up quickly. Bobby is a little slower, but gets it eventually. Having learned addition, Andy starts asking about counting by fives and tens and basically gives you the feeling that he's kind of figured out what multiplication is, even if he doesn't have a word for it yet. When you get around to teaching multiplication, Andy picks it up immediately, and again Bobby struggles but finally gets it. During crafts however, Bobby excels. He consistantly displays an aptitude for shapes, colors and even some compositions skills. Andy is now struggling, but tries hard and, eventually isn't that bad. Not quite as good as Andy, but you wouldn't think he had drawn cat if it was supposed to be a house.

Andy grows up to be a programmer at a video game company, and Bobby grows up to be an artist for the same company, both making similar amounts of money and having similar deadlines and stress levels.

Who is smarter? Who is more creative?

Who is happier?

I don't know. But Andy and Bobby are now living happily as legal partners in Connecticut with their toy poodle, Liza

Wikipedia is NOT Evil

Ever since it started gaining notoriety, Wikipedia has been criticised for being unreliable. Every time I even mention it to someone, eyes start rolling and the groans come forth, as if I had personally kicked their dog. Then come the usual complaints, "Well, you have to take that with a grain of salt," or, "People are stupid and mean and you just can't trust them." While I will agree with the fact that people are, in general, stupid and mean, an individual person can actually be pretty groovy and do some kind of cool stuff.

As far as I can tell, the sense of malaise that surrounds Wikipedia stems from people's natural apprehension of others. Cavemen were mean, meat eating, murderous little buggers, and old habits die hard. It's a miracle I don't kill three or four people a day myself. But, we have evolved a little, and most of us have learned that we usually get more from cooperation than from dissension. What's wrong with hoping that a bunch of strangers could get together and create something something so awesomely useful that hardly a day goes by that I don't use it? 

Here are my four reasons for liking the good ol' Wiki...

1. It's free.

Simple as that. It's free. Not only is it free, but it doesn't use the usual tricks of bombarding you with seizure inducing ads to maintain itself. Wikipedia is magnanimous in it's distribution of information, kind of like a nerdy Santa Claus.

2. It's completely user defined and volunteer based.

That means that every one controls it, right? The way I see it, we control it. The everyman, the prince and the pauper, all pulling at the information contained within in such a curious way. Wikipedia is able to maintain it's integrity because of these volunteer curators and that's pretty cool. Kumbaya, bitches.

3. It's organic.

Wikipedia is arguably the most current encyclopedia out there because of this. It practically changes as things happen. I'm sure this isn't always the case, but for larger, more important topics, it's probably fairly immediate. There's has to be some one out there just waiting for the opportunity to update the Brony article with all the latest information.

4. It's just as accurate as other online and print encyclopedias.

That's right. I can't access the article directly because you need to be a member of the journal that published it, Nature, but from what I can gather, Encyclopaedia Britannica is as a reliable as the Wiki. When looked at granularly, all that people can see is chaos, with vandals swooping in and capriciously defacing an article here and some idiot at the helm steering the ship into an iceberg there. But, the people that maintain this site are passionate about this project, and freedom of information. Also, there is a hierarchy of administrators and contributors constantly monitoring each other. It's just not as bad as everyone thinks it is.

Now, I know that study is currently eight years old, but I think it still carries a good deal of weight behind it. Computers are faster and there are more people in the world than there were 8 years ago, but what really has changed that would effect what the study revealed? The only real reason there is to not use Wikipedia would be when the chips are down, and your dissertation and/or reputation are on the line. Guess what? Most people in scholarly research circles are of the opinion that you shouldn't use, not only Wikipedia, but any encyclopedia. None of them can be relied upon as a scholarly source.

Quit hating on Wiki. It's not evil, it's groooovayyy.

The Importance of Cheating

My father was somewhat of a technophile. He had to have all the latest gizmos and gadgets. I remember we were the first ones in our neighborhood that had a VCR. Most of you probably know what that is, but it seems weird to talk about them nowadays. They were such an important part of American culture throughout my childhood, and for many years into adulthood. They were even still in vogue for a bit of my children's lives. I can remember being inconsolable when we couldn't get a copy of The Apple Dumpling Gang to play. I was convinced that the cold weather outside had somehow frozen the tape in between the store and our house. I wasn't the smartest kid.

Much like the VCR, we were also one of the first to get a personal computer. And, soon after, I discovered the awesomeness that was the text based adventure game. I would spend hours at the amber hued monochrome monitor devouring the adventures. My brother and I couldn't get enough of those Infocom games. Sometimes, it seemed as if we would race against each other, seeing who could figure out the puzzles quicker. Ah, sibling rivalry at it's best. We got into more than one scuffle over that computer. We had that computer until the day I moved out, and I have no idea what happened to it after. I like to think that it met a nice television and they ran off together, and today's smart phones are their descendants.

Those text games where popular enough that, at one point, they started printing InvisiClue books that you could buy where you purchased the games. These books would give you progressively more obvious clues to help you solve the puzzles. The invisible ink meant that you could reveal these clues one at a time, as you saw fit. Yeah, right. Ever hear of immediate gratification? We were kids so, of course, we hadn't. That doesn't mean we were immune to it.

Those hint books essentially wound up ruining the games for me. The same games that would have given me weeks of entertainment, mental exercise, and unbearable frustration I would now finish in a night or two. It taught me that cheating only ruined things, and I refused to do it ever again. And, it was a policy that served me well for most of my life. I believe the time spent crawling through the games of my childhood were well spent, teaching me to think critically and to figure things out for my damn self.

When I was about thirty-five, I decided I wanted to teach my self how to draw. Just for the hell of it, out of the blue. I even bought a book, Drawing on the Right Side of the Brain, to help me learn. I picked it up pretty quickly, too, thanks to the independence I had nurtured earlier in life. I actually taught myself to draw a passable likeness of someone. So, I put down the book and sat down to draw something. Anything. Now that I was an accomplished artiste, I could draw anything! I had only to touch pencil to parchment and masterpieces would flow forth, unhindered, finally released onto the mortal coil. But, nothing came to me. The muses had deserted me, punishing me for my hubris.

The truth was that I had convinced my self I didn't need help with much of anything. If I needed a reference to draw something, then I hadn't mastered drawing. It felt like I was cheating, somehow plagiarizing the very likeness of the thing. I was copying, and that meant I wasn't drawing. I wasn't creating anything. The fault behind this logic, however, is that no one can draw everything from memory. Especially not someone with a memory like mine. My independence had another name, stubbornness. I couldn't look past the wall of pride I had built to see all the help that lay on the other side. Independence has it place but, like most things, only in moderation.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I believe I am just west of a white house, with a boarded front door.

Why Do I Still Get Zits When I'm Forty?

Not that I've payed to much attention to this, but I can not remember a time that I didn't have at least one zit somewhere on my body. I mean, I'm forty-one years old, for crap's sake. I'm not a gross person, either. I bathe regularly. Really, I do. The little bastards still find a way, though. They're always there, lurking just below the surface (literally). They pop up in the wierdest places, too. Have you ever had one on your elbow? I have. Inside your nose? Yep. Down "there"? Yes. Yes I have.

Now, I know this doesn't happen to everyone, but I think that it's pretty common. Also, it's not as bad as it was when I was a teenager. Not nearly as bad. I don't think anyone would say that I had an acne problem now. However, I was under the impression that they would eventually stop. And, It pretty much does for some people. I thought it was a condition unique to being a gangly teenager. Perhaps, there was some kind of magic wand or ritual you underwent (that everyone had kept secret from me) when you turned 21 that told your body, "O.K., you're twenty one now. Zits be gone!" Really, I had hoped alcohol was the magic cure. It turns out that it wasn't, but alcohol is kind wonderful on it's own so I guess I'll forgive it that one fault.

I have come to accept the fact the they're not going away. They're normal to have, even at forty. They don't even bother me anymore because, like I said, it's really not that bad of a problem. Sometimes, they even act as a sort of catalyst for my memory (which is horrible). There are days that, as I stand before the mirror preparing to destroy another errant little bastard which has popped up on my earlobe, I get a fleeting wisp of a happy memory that I cant't quite put my finger on, from a time when acne was a problem for me. It's kind of a pleasant feeling trying to draw that memory from your subconscious, and it makes me wish I hadn't been in such a hurry to grow up when I was younger.

To anyone out there who is young and having a difficult time with something, please try to understand that it is temporary. Life goes by quicker than you realise, and you'll get past these problems, whatever they are. You have people out there, that you haven't even met yet, that are just waiting to love and accept you as you are. You need to slow down and enjoy the journey that brings you to them because sometimes you don't realise who these people are until they're gone. I know it's corny, but it does get better. Or, you get better. However you want to look at it.

And, don't forget to wash your face.

300+ Words

Hi.

My name is Steve and I am 41 years old (insert dinosaur joke here).

Recently I decided to go back to school. You see, I kind of screwed things up the first time around, but I always blame my wife for that. I met her around the same time I started college, and I was smitten. I didn't want to spend a moment away from her and classes were sacrificed faster than a virgin on an altar. She does not like it when I blame her in this story. But I think she's is cute when she gives me dirty looks, so I keep doing it.

School was easy for me when I was younger. I never did homework and could pass tests without really trying. Everyone loved that about me and never ever called me a know-it-all or a nerd or a geek. One exception to this was English. I hated English. I hated English with a passion that burned hotter than a cup of McDonalds coffee (if you got that joke, you're probably older than I am). I mean, who cares what a gerund or an elision is? Dangling participles sound fun, but they aren't. Not even a little bit. And, don't get me started on semi-colons.

So, needless to say, I wasn't looking forward to taking English in college, but I had resigned myself to having to. I put it off for several semesters, but I never let myself forget that it was coming, looming like a storm cloud on the distant horizon. Eventually the time came, though. I couldn't put it off any longer. I walked into school dreading every step that brought me closer to the classroom that would eventually be my personal hell for the semester. My bookbag seemed to weigh more than the McGuire twins. I sat in a chair, not wanting to, by forcing myself into it. My skin crawled at the sight of the whiteboard. Then the teacher arrived and do you know what he made me do?

He made me laugh.

Within the first minute, he made the entire class laugh. He was funny. This had never even occurred to me as a possibility. English teachers were supposed to be old bespectacled crones, not young, funny, long-haired, handsome (if your into that) guys. That English class wound up being my favorite class that I have taken thus far. I went on to take English 102 as an honors class with a different teacher, and wound up liking her, also. She was as fun and energetic as the Energizer Bunny.

So, I like English now. I'm signed up for Speech 101, and have heard good things about the teacher. I'm actually looking forward to it. Because of my new found appreciation for English, and the fact that I occasionally get an urge to be creative and make money on the internet, I have decided to start writing a blog. I am going to try and write a 300+ word entry every day. So here we go. I don't know what I'll be writing about, but I will try to make it as funny and entertaining as those teachers that convinced me that English wasn't evil.

But I still hate semi-colons.

And, in case you didn't know, the McGuire Twins!